We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
