The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
