We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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