Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
