I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
