All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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