WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
