She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
