Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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