I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
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