Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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