the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
