my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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