I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
