dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
