Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
