from now on my penis is your penis
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
