I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
