My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
i believe in u and ur pee
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
