Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
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If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
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When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?