listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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