Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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