Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
