Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
