You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
