Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
