Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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