so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
