I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
