I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
