I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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