So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
