Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
