hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
