be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
