now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
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