I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
