we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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