so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
