the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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