Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just invented taco cereal.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
