haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
