I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
