I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
