I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
