Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
