I want to walk on stilts...naked
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
