Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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