I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
