I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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