I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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