the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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