i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
