I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
