I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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