i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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