Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
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