cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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