I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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