my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
