I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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