Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
