he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
